Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 2:55 am Post subject:
The life of a G.I.
It was a very brisk morning as I stepped out of my barracks. I could see the drill teams training for the war. I then was greeted by my commander Von Halowitz. "Hello sir" I said very happily. "Good morning private" He said very seriously. I asked him what was wrong with a very upset tone. He said very unhappily "Where going to war, private".
It was a very dark day indeed. We where on are way to a man slaughter against the Russians. I was approached by my fellow solider McHalberd. He said with a bit cheery tone "We finally get to see some action". I said very unhappily "If we die think about your family and friends".
As we approach the beach in are Amphibious hover craft some sniper fire hits several people. I was almost one of the unlucky ones. I started firing my gun at the Russian trenches. After an hour of fighting a man came up to me and told me I was given veteran status. I accepted my new status with a glee.
As we approach the end of our journey to the heart of Russia we encounter a Russian elite squad. I hear them yell out "нападение" very loudly. After a hour long battle with this elite squad of Russians I was approached again with news of being promoted to Elite.
It was the final battle as my commander said. We where on our final offense on the Russian capital. Me and my men approach the Capital of Russia once and for all. Heavy Sniper Fire was hitting us all at once. I was hit in each limb except my head. In the final minute of life I saw my commander, Hotrods20 the man who led us to this great battle on the front line of Russia.
нападение means attack.
So how you people like want more to story or new story. QUICK_EDIT
Joined: 22 Dec 2004 Location: Tiberium Research Center N27
Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:15 pm Post subject:
That's not a story. That's an outline, which is clustered together, and barely makes up a paragraph. Now, write an actual story. _________________ DUNK! QUICK_EDIT
Also Known As: evanb90 Joined: 20 Feb 2005 Location: o kawaii koto
Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 10:35 pm Post subject:
hotrods20 wrote:
ENGLISH:
What do you mean i see no problem with that.
First, translator programs don't carry over context. I'm pretty sure that's what's going on here.
Second, I'm pretty sure you used a translator for that. And if you did, put the phrases back into the translator and see how they come out. (or let native speakers enjoy reading them...)
I won't get into an analysis of your story, as it would be longer than what you typed.
I'll just say that:
1- There is no "Veteran" or "Elite" rank. If you want to blindly follow Red Alert 2's veterancy symbols, you'd say Private (E-2...?) and Sergeant.
2- Including yourself as the glorious leader, using your username = goofy.
3- Almost no dialogue, all of it is childish.
4- Capital of Russia? Why not mention it by name? _________________ YR modder/artist, DOOM mapper, aka evanb90
Project Lead Developer, New-Star Strike (2014-)
Former Project Lead DeveloperStar Strike (2005-2012), Z-Mod (2006-2007), RA1.5 (2008-2013), The Cold War (2006-2007) QUICK_EDIT
"атака" is your word. or "В Атаку!" if it is a warcry, or better use "В Бой!" because it even more shorter to yell. _________________ Gangster is a Project Perfect Wuj (c)Aro QUICK_EDIT
I learned that ill never make it as a writer if only a draft of a story that I was trying to get some more ideas rolling from was forever more banished here I will write a new one called ENAK.
Once upon a time in crazysweatyball land. A man named Enak wo had a stinky poo in his shoo. Said to a man with a wittle pittle in his pant's "Oh me oh me." The man with a wittle pittle in his pants asked whats wrong very happily "What is wrong oh Enak oh Enak." As Enak answered with a very very sad frown "I don't have any credits and I need to wet it." and you all can end this however you want. QUICK_EDIT
"I won't get into an analysis of your story, as it would be longer than what you typed."
ROFL. You really need to churn out details. An entire battle in two sentences? being granted status? Thats paper work IRL, and also, this guy knows russian? _________________ Please, read the signature rules of the forum. QUICK_EDIT
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The life of a G.I.
